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Thoughtfully Absent-Minded

Woke up with a migraine this morning… So I didn’t make it to any of my classes so far today.

It’s a beautiful day outside, the pine trees are so peaceful against the overcast sky.

I’m thinking about going to the Grand Canyon for Spring Break and camping with my girlfriend and another couple or two.  Should be fun if we can find a site that hasn’t been reserved yet…  The weather’s been so nice the last few weeks that I’m just chomping at the bit to get outside and camp, hike, or anything.  I guess I had contracted cabin fever a lot more than I’d realized over this winter.

Anyway, I’m thinking of starting a new blog or two.  Maybe some current events/opinions.  Since this one is really just a series of journal entries, I’m craving a different kind of blog.

God, this is a disjointed entry.  Just a collection of random statements.  My mind’s just not in it today.  But since this is really just a journal blog, I’m gonna post it anyway.


Well… Good News! …and a Rant

Been a little while since my last entry.  Gotta keep up with my writing, so I’m brewing some Earl Grey next to me while I write.

The most exciting news since my last entry is that Kelsie and I went on a date last weekend and we’re going out again this next weekend!  With all my concern and frustration, it all worked itself out.

All of our friends have taken turns saying things like, “Finally!” and “We’ve been rooting for you two to get together since October!”  To which we just shake our heads.  I don’t know why I waited so long exactly.  It just felt right to take my time.  Then when I asked her out and she said yes, it also felt right.  This relationship, though taxing on me when I was debating with myself on whether or not to ask her out, has just felt right every step of the way.

Neither one of us is into the cliche of a normal first date, so we didn’t go to dinner and a movie.  Instead drove out northwest of town until we found an open trail (there’s still snow on many of the mountain roads nearby).  Then we ended hiking a total of 11 miles.  By the time we got back to town, it was mid afternoon.

Later that evening, Kelsie’s roommate wanted her and me to go with her to “The Vagina Monologues.”  I wasn’t really interested, but Kelsie wanted to go out of curiosity.  So we went.

If you don’t know what the Vagina Monologues are about, the name is actually very descriptive.  Women of many different walks of life were interviewed about their vaginas and their stories are retold by actors.  Some of the stories are pretty good, some are terrible, and a few are simply hard to take (there is one about a rape victim).

The fact that this exists only further proves to me that our culture is so vastly oversexualized that a woman is supposed to take pride in her vagina like it is her.  What if that were put toward men?  That men should take pride in their penises?

People are not their sexual organs.  People are people.  Sex is a part of life.  Yes, a very important part, but just a part.  America is disappointingly oversexualized.

/rant/ I’m not a prude, I don’t think sex is a taboo topic or something inappropriate and to be discussed only in private.  Just because I prefer to be abstinent until marriage doesn’t make me antisexual.  I choose to be abstinent because I simply don’t think it’s a very good idea for me to sleep with anyone except who my wife is.  It’s just my personal choice, I encourage everyone to do what they think it right, and if that means it’s okay to have sex outside of marriage, I’m not going to judge.  People will judge me for my choice, since it’s so rare among my generation, but I don’t care.  If I don’t want to judge, then I must first not judge others. /endrant/

Thanks for staying with me there, I just needed to get that off my chest.  A coworker was pestering me about that a day or two ago.

I’d rather end this entry on a high note, so I want to wish everyone a happy Thursday.  Just hang in there, it’s almost Friday, all!



Two entries in one day!?  Absurd!  And yet, here I sit at my desk typing away at an entry not even an hour after my last.

I just finished reading two blog entries that really seemed to speak to my internal struggle with my relationship with Kelsie in a way that I’d never really thought of before.  One really seemed to describe Kelsie perfectly so I subscribed (I’ll link at the end of this entry).

Growing up as an Army Brat I was no stranger to having a life never truly settled.  However, my mother always craved a calm, stable life.  So when my father retired from the Army, we settled in a small town in southern Arizona.  We lived there for almost half my life, I began to develop the same feelings toward how I want my life to turn out that my mom did.

One of the biggest internal struggles of mine is to find a role model that I can emulate.  My mom and I have a lot in common, however, this is not one of those common traits.  I developed a “Let’s settle down and start a family” from her.  I don’t really want that deep down.  That’s why Kelsie’s restless spirit is so attractive to me.  I need to stop emulating my mom in this way, it’s not leading me to fulfillment or a life that I actually dream about.

I know that not wanting a stable life is absurd.  It’s dangerous.  It’s stupid.  It’s…exciting.  That’s what I want.  I want the life that takes me down roads less traveled and leads me toward a life that gives me stories to tell.

I ask myself where I will be in ten years… Who knows?  I don’t want to be settled down prematurely.  I don’t want to be a slave to a daily grind that drains me of my drive to live a life worth living.  I don’t want the same “American Dream” life that my mother wants.  So I need to stop pretending I do.

So here’s the link to the blog entry that I read.  Aleah seems to be spot-on in this blog entry.  I subbed, and if anyone reading this likes the entry too, I definitely recommend subbing too.

Never forget who you are.


Hump Day

Happy Wednesday!

I woke up exhausted and sick today, so I didn’t make it to work…  Sucks, but I’d rather fight off whatever it is by staying in and pumping Vitamin C and get to class tomorrow.

Also, woke up in a bad mood.  I’m not sure if it’s a mistake for me to be taking my time this much with Kelsie…  I don’t want to seem disinterested in starting a relationship.  So on top of dealing with this oncoming sickness, I was pretty emotionally worn out from borderline obsessing about this.

As I sat and listened to Casting Crowns latest album, I started out feeling pretty uplifted and generally glad to be alive.  Then the songs turned sad and some of the subject matter settled into my soul and hit something deep.  My family is pretty screwed up and some of the lyrics began making me sink deeper and deeper into melancholic loneliness.

So off the music went and I got in the shower to clear my head.

It’s amazing what a shower can do for my attitude.  Some people go for walks, some people just sleep until they feel better; I take a hot shower and come out feeling so much better than I did walking in.

A feeling of peace settled me as I realized that I’ve only known Kelsie a few months.  I’m not the type of person that should rush into relationships just because I have a crush on someone.  I need time to get to know them first.  I need to remember this.

So maybe I’ll open a running dialogue between us about how our friends seem to be rooting for us to get together.  So far neither one of us is ready to do that though, presumably for the same or similar reasons.  I just need to know how she feels about the two of us.

My own feelings are that I see no reason as to how a relationship could be bad for us so far…  I now know that she doesn’t date guys who drink.  Easy.  I already toned my drinking down to maybe one beer or mixed drink a week tops, so quitting is easy.  I visibly quit last Friday and gave away most of my hard alcohol (a pretty sizable collection since I liked variety).  I slowed my drinking way down for myself and then I quit for her.

I know that I could make this work between the two of us.  But I am pretty sure that I need to keep getting to know her a little better before I make any moves toward a relationship.  Valentine’s day is still a couple weeks off; I’ve got some time before that milestone passes.  (I probably shouldn’t be thinking like that, but whatever…)

This weekend, she was supposed to have her apartment to herself since all her roommates were going home to Phoenix and I was gonna use the opportunity to spend some time with her just the two of us.  Now one roommate is staying behind for no discernible reason, so I think I’ll propose that we go for a walk.  The weather’s warmer than usual here, so should be a pretty good day to do that.

All right, I should probably start getting ready for my last class of the day.

It’s Hump Day, Y’all.


Classes Cancelled!

Well, it’s week two of the semester.  So far classes are going all right and–aside from the ever fun-and-challenging Chinese–they’re looking to be pretty boring.

Two of my classes got cancelled today, so I woke up late with some extra time to finally get a new entry in.

I’ve essentially settled on Journalism as my new major.  Advertising just doesn’t suit my personality.  And not to seem like some kind of anti-capitalist, picketing hippie, but I really just don’t fit in with the whole “profitability is everything!” mentality that goes with everything business directly touches.

I know that money is important and profitability should be pursued.  I know that that is what gave our country the greatest economy in recorded history, but I personally would rather live a decent, happy life with just enough to not ever worry about my family’s finances… I don’t even want to be the next Warren Buffet.  That’s all the business major (and related majors like Advertising) seem to dream about.  I need something different to dream about.

Watching the Newsroom admittedly did get me very interested in the idea of being a journalist.  Watching the stories unfold and how the news was made has enthralled me for the past year or so since I began watching the series.  I want to be a part of that.  I want to be the media, but do it with integrity, just as those in the TV show do it.

I love writing, I’m naturally inquisitive, and I hate to get a story wrong.  I want to be a journalist that can take these three traits and develop them into a career.

Is all this just the naivete of the youthful years I am supposed to be growing out of?  Maybe.  I’m not going to let myself let go of this just because I know I’m probably being idealistic.  I’ve settled on what is more “realistic” before and it got me to the junior year of a degree I hated.  I need a little idealism to take me somewhere I actually want to go.

Anyway, it’s about time for me to head out to my next class.

Hopefully my entries get a little more regular from here on out…



New Year’s Eve

New Years’s Eve 2013.  It’s been a hell of a year.  Family stresses and problems almost tore my family apart.  We’re still hanging in there and some days are worse than others, but somehow we’re still truckin’.

I made new friends, lost touch with others, and regained friendships that had fallen apart years ago.  Through work, I met one of my best new friends, Trevor, and through him, I met a ton of new people and effectively joined his group of friends.  Also, I met Kelsie.

Kelsie has been one of the best things to happen to me this year.  She has influenced me to bring my life back from the brink of disaster.  I was drinking almost every night and my life was generally out of control.  I’m getting back in touch with my faith, curbing my atrocious language, and I’ve quit using alcohol as a crutch to put myself in a better mood.

We have an odd relationship, Kelsie and I.  While I feel that there is a mutual interest, I don’t feel comfortable acting on it since she’s graduating in May.  I’m still going to be in school for at least another year.  She and I became best friends almost overnight.  In a couple months, she got to know me better than any other friend I’ve had in my entire life.  We’ve talked about relationships before and I definitely feel like both of us are pretty well suited for each other.  Describing what we wanted in another person and we’re basically talking about each other…  Anyway, I guess I’ll bide my time and maybe I’ll figure out what to do with this relationship this semester.  Love is weird…

Last New Year’s, my resolution was to be more honest.  Honest with myself and honest with others.  In a lot of ways, I’ve kept that resolution, but in a lot of ways as well, I’ve still got room for improvement.  So this NYE, I’m just renewing last year’s resolution since there’s still more work to be done.

I’m thankful for so much this year.  Overall, it’s been awesome.

This year has been full of blessings and challenges, but I feel that I’ve learned as best I could from both.

So thank you, 2013, for getting me ready to face 2014.

Happy New Year!


With Hope for the Future

I’m sitting in Napili, Maui right now.  Sitting in my family’s condo.  I’m in my second year of college at Northern Arizona University after having transferred there with an Associate’s degree in Business Administration from Cochise College.  I’ve been struggling with a major pretty much since I began college classes.

I was a marketing major up until this last semester. Yup, made it all the way to my junior year of the business program.  Notice how I said, “was”?  Yeah.  That’s because I couldn’t make it through one damn class.  One damn class.  Finance 311.  After trying it twice, from two different teachers, I am throwing in the towel.  This class is, unfortunately, required for a marketing degree.

So screw it.  I’m done with business.  Didn’t really fit in anyway.  All those bros from rich families that wanted nothing to do with me.  I quit.

I’m not sure what to go into though.  I am juggling the ideas of pursuing a degree in Journalism, Advertising, or Graphic Design.  My Aunt Kristen suggested I start a blog so that I could toy with writing something every day.

So here I am.  A new blog on WordPress and a glimmer of hope for what I may have an aptitude for as a career.

What will I write about?  I’m not sure yet.  Maybe this will be a journal, personal or critical.  Maybe this will have stories (by the way I very much enjoy writing fiction and have since I was little).  Probably it will consist of all three.

So I make a toast of POG to this new endeavor.  We’ll see where this goes.  Wish me luck.

With hope for the future.