Monthly Archives: January 2014

Absurdities

Two entries in one day!?  Absurd!  And yet, here I sit at my desk typing away at an entry not even an hour after my last.

I just finished reading two blog entries that really seemed to speak to my internal struggle with my relationship with Kelsie in a way that I’d never really thought of before.  One really seemed to describe Kelsie perfectly so I subscribed (I’ll link at the end of this entry).

Growing up as an Army Brat I was no stranger to having a life never truly settled.  However, my mother always craved a calm, stable life.  So when my father retired from the Army, we settled in a small town in southern Arizona.  We lived there for almost half my life, I began to develop the same feelings toward how I want my life to turn out that my mom did.

One of the biggest internal struggles of mine is to find a role model that I can emulate.  My mom and I have a lot in common, however, this is not one of those common traits.  I developed a “Let’s settle down and start a family” from her.  I don’t really want that deep down.  That’s why Kelsie’s restless spirit is so attractive to me.  I need to stop emulating my mom in this way, it’s not leading me to fulfillment or a life that I actually dream about.

I know that not wanting a stable life is absurd.  It’s dangerous.  It’s stupid.  It’s…exciting.  That’s what I want.  I want the life that takes me down roads less traveled and leads me toward a life that gives me stories to tell.

I ask myself where I will be in ten years… Who knows?  I don’t want to be settled down prematurely.  I don’t want to be a slave to a daily grind that drains me of my drive to live a life worth living.  I don’t want the same “American Dream” life that my mother wants.  So I need to stop pretending I do.

So here’s the link to the blog entry that I read.  Aleah seems to be spot-on in this blog entry.  I subbed, and if anyone reading this likes the entry too, I definitely recommend subbing too.

Never forget who you are.

Sean

Hump Day

Happy Wednesday!

I woke up exhausted and sick today, so I didn’t make it to work…  Sucks, but I’d rather fight off whatever it is by staying in and pumping Vitamin C and get to class tomorrow.

Also, woke up in a bad mood.  I’m not sure if it’s a mistake for me to be taking my time this much with Kelsie…  I don’t want to seem disinterested in starting a relationship.  So on top of dealing with this oncoming sickness, I was pretty emotionally worn out from borderline obsessing about this.

As I sat and listened to Casting Crowns latest album, I started out feeling pretty uplifted and generally glad to be alive.  Then the songs turned sad and some of the subject matter settled into my soul and hit something deep.  My family is pretty screwed up and some of the lyrics began making me sink deeper and deeper into melancholic loneliness.

So off the music went and I got in the shower to clear my head.

It’s amazing what a shower can do for my attitude.  Some people go for walks, some people just sleep until they feel better; I take a hot shower and come out feeling so much better than I did walking in.

A feeling of peace settled me as I realized that I’ve only known Kelsie a few months.  I’m not the type of person that should rush into relationships just because I have a crush on someone.  I need time to get to know them first.  I need to remember this.

So maybe I’ll open a running dialogue between us about how our friends seem to be rooting for us to get together.  So far neither one of us is ready to do that though, presumably for the same or similar reasons.  I just need to know how she feels about the two of us.

My own feelings are that I see no reason as to how a relationship could be bad for us so far…  I now know that she doesn’t date guys who drink.  Easy.  I already toned my drinking down to maybe one beer or mixed drink a week tops, so quitting is easy.  I visibly quit last Friday and gave away most of my hard alcohol (a pretty sizable collection since I liked variety).  I slowed my drinking way down for myself and then I quit for her.

I know that I could make this work between the two of us.  But I am pretty sure that I need to keep getting to know her a little better before I make any moves toward a relationship.  Valentine’s day is still a couple weeks off; I’ve got some time before that milestone passes.  (I probably shouldn’t be thinking like that, but whatever…)

This weekend, she was supposed to have her apartment to herself since all her roommates were going home to Phoenix and I was gonna use the opportunity to spend some time with her just the two of us.  Now one roommate is staying behind for no discernible reason, so I think I’ll propose that we go for a walk.  The weather’s warmer than usual here, so should be a pretty good day to do that.

All right, I should probably start getting ready for my last class of the day.

It’s Hump Day, Y’all.

Sean

Classes Cancelled!

Well, it’s week two of the semester.  So far classes are going all right and–aside from the ever fun-and-challenging Chinese–they’re looking to be pretty boring.

Two of my classes got cancelled today, so I woke up late with some extra time to finally get a new entry in.

I’ve essentially settled on Journalism as my new major.  Advertising just doesn’t suit my personality.  And not to seem like some kind of anti-capitalist, picketing hippie, but I really just don’t fit in with the whole “profitability is everything!” mentality that goes with everything business directly touches.

I know that money is important and profitability should be pursued.  I know that that is what gave our country the greatest economy in recorded history, but I personally would rather live a decent, happy life with just enough to not ever worry about my family’s finances… I don’t even want to be the next Warren Buffet.  That’s all the business major (and related majors like Advertising) seem to dream about.  I need something different to dream about.

Watching the Newsroom admittedly did get me very interested in the idea of being a journalist.  Watching the stories unfold and how the news was made has enthralled me for the past year or so since I began watching the series.  I want to be a part of that.  I want to be the media, but do it with integrity, just as those in the TV show do it.

I love writing, I’m naturally inquisitive, and I hate to get a story wrong.  I want to be a journalist that can take these three traits and develop them into a career.

Is all this just the naivete of the youthful years I am supposed to be growing out of?  Maybe.  I’m not going to let myself let go of this just because I know I’m probably being idealistic.  I’ve settled on what is more “realistic” before and it got me to the junior year of a degree I hated.  I need a little idealism to take me somewhere I actually want to go.

Anyway, it’s about time for me to head out to my next class.

Hopefully my entries get a little more regular from here on out…

Sean